Why it’s ok to be a little fussy

“Stop being so fussy!” I frequently say this to my 3-year-old when he cries about his socks feeling funny, not wanting to put on a sweatshirt, not wanting foods on his plate to touch, not wanting covers on his bed…the list never ends. 

Of course, he comes by it honestly. Recently, while chatting with friends about parenting styles, we discussed some common stereotypes—crunchy parents, free-range parents, attachment parents, lying-and-cheating-for-ivy-league parents, helicopter parents, etc. “I don’t know exactly where I fit,” I said, “but I think I’m pretty laid back compared to some moms.” ::RECORD SCRATCH:: Everyone went mute with amazed looks on their faces. Uh-oh…was I wrong?

Quickly breaking the silence, my friend says, “Huh, that’s funny, because I think you might be one of the fussiest people I know.” Eruptions of laughter, bah ha ha ha, and as I looked wide-eyed around the room, I started giggling and then couldn’t stop. I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. I was found out. I guess I was a “fussy mama.”

In that space with people that I knew cared about me, I realized that I didn’t have to be pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I could be particular, opinionated, loud, always a little late, a bit of a perfectionist, and totally goofy, and I was still loved and accepted and considered a good parent and a good person. But I have to be able to laugh about it and embrace who I am. 

So, who am I? 

Like most moms, I try to do it all and have it all. Work, parent, run a home, stay informed, stay fit, eat well, look cute, make my kids look cute, make my home look cute, maintain friendships, talk to my mom, and try to relax. For years I have been on a learning curve for how to manage having auto-immune issues, ADHD, and anxiety. Throw in the completely unforgiving transformations of the body, mind, and soul from bearing and raising children (while not forgetting the wonderful ways it’s changed me, too), and I’ve got the perfect cocktail of complicated daily lifestyle choices. For me, being particular and doing some extra work is required for normal health.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would looooooove to be super chill. No drama. Totally go-with-the-flow. I long to embody a vision of an ethereal mom who glides through life with a smile, a quiet voice, while wearing flowy, boho-chic dresses, juggling her family’s needs and easily accommodating all the expectations and desires of others (and eating any food put in front of her).

I read Bringing Up Bebe while pregnant with my oldest and it was liberating to read about a different, more laid-back style of parenting and of a parenting culture where you could teach your child to be polite, to treat you with respect, that it was ok to be bored, and that mommy could just bring a ball to the playground. This was immensely helpful for me, as my first model for parenting came from my loving but overly anxious and overly protective parents.

But my first child had colic. And a severe tongue-tie and lip-tie that required multiple revisions. And reflux. And seemed to be deficient in any self-soothing abilities (he rarely slept in the car, even as a newborn!). So while my ideal self was sipping a latte, wearing wedge shoes with my pre-baby jeans, and casually watching my son play with grass and chase bugs at the park, my actual self loaded up the stroller with a fan, 4 clip-on toys, 2 different music-making do-dads, a wrap in case he needed to be worn, two changes of clothes, 3 bibs, a blanket, and a bottle of Rescue Remedy to calm my nerves for the potential for any outing to become a stressful disaster.

Things got easier and the trauma of those early months eventually faded. But it helped teach me that there were always going to be things about me or my kiddos that were different (don’t we all have those things?) and that trying to fit into a norm of “chill” was more stressful than just being real that my kid has particular needs and that was ok.

We recently learned that same fussy first child, now a sweet and tricky little boy, has some sensory issues. Looking back on all those times I’ve lost my $#%! with him for freaking out about “little things,” I’m sure those things felt completely overwhelming and unmanageable to him. So now, I’m also in the thick of learning how to parent to his unique needs while managing my own, and I’ll share what I’m learning along the way. Lots to process, lots to consider, and of course, lots to be fussy about all around!

Surely, even the most laid-back moms have their things they will advocate for and won’t compromise. It’s just that *some* of us have more of them…sometimes a lot more. And when you combine those things with a personality that’s naturally opinionated, mix in some serious health issues, and add a dash of high standards (especially on oneself) you get, well, me.

Luckily, I’ve discovered there are some perks to this tiring existence. After becoming a parent to a child who seemed to have such intense and particular needs, friends started to notice my meticulous research when it came to baby gear. Looking for a sound machine? I can tell you what’s best and why. Taking a 6-month old on a plane? I’ve got a list of must-haves that will makes those hours fly by. Having trouble eating out with your food allergies? Here are the best places for gluten-and-dairy-free breakfast in Austin. 

Eventually, I was getting pinged regularly for these recommendations. I was surprised that this was not something that everyone did, let alone enjoy. But I did! With my career history as an editor, journalist, and copywriter, I certainly know how to do my research. As a mother, I have continued this pursuit of thoroughness without realizing it. 

So in this blog, while I search for the best ways to find the best stuff, get more of all the things for less money and effort, and find the easiest ways to do-it-quickly-and-better, I’ll be advocating for others while I look out for my own family. The best thing about writing is knowing that you get to inform, help, or encourage someone else while on your own discovery. Win-win!

So yeah, I’m making excuses for being a little fussy. Perhaps you have excuses, too, for all the things you might spend too much time fretting and stressing about in the pursuit of getting things *just so*. Well, I say we embrace it! No one has it all figured out, and as someone who sees life as more journey than destination, we can explore the journey together, focus on the problems worth solving today, and for the rest? Just enjoy a glass of wine and remember tomorrow is another day.