Why I kept breastfeeding
Breastfeeding has been one of the most beautiful, rewarding, and challenging accomplishments of my life. I feel lucky to have been able to enjoy this special time with my children, as I know it’s not possible for every mother and child.
I kept breastfeeding—through the tears, through the pain, through the plugged ducts, through the self-doubt, through the anger, through the frustration, through the exhaustion, through the loneliness, through the anxiety, through the hidden depression, through the resentment of my new life—because I was prepared, supported, and privileged. I’ll talk about those things that helped me in my journey.
But there was so much out of my control. My time as a new mother was so incredibly hard and sent me into postpartum depression. Arthur had tongue and lip ties, and we did two rounds of frenulectomies (tongue-tie lasering) but they still came back. He had awful reflux and was spitting up constantly. He struggled constantly with naps and self-soothing.
We took him to speech therapy (which helps with baby’s latch and sucking), cranial sacral therapy, chiropractic care, and then our own baby massage, and slowly over time things improved. But it wasn’t until about six or seven months postpartum that I was finally free of constantly battling plugged ducts and mastitis and could transition to what a more trauma-free motherhood could look like.
Those first very intense months forever changed me, and after I came out of it in one piece and eventually stronger, I knew that there was so much I could have done to prepare myself, so much more I could have known. And I knew that I wanted others to have a head start for themselves and their babies.
So I want to share the things that allowed me to nurse for my combined (so far) 41 months, despite all our struggles. I hope this is helpful for someone thinking about parenting, struggling with breastfeeding right now, or struggling with the memory of what she wished would have be different.
Prepared for breastfeeding
There are many ways to prepare for breastfeeding, but what was important for me was my choice of perinatal medical care, education, adjusting my midset, and creating an emotional safety net.
Pre/postnal care
For me, my choice of where to give birth was a huge factor in preparing me for breastfeeding. I was lucky enough to find a birthing center here in Austin that has a team of midwives that help you work through the physical, mental, and emotional challenges of your pregnancy in addition to all the routine medical examinations. There were frequent breastfeeding classes with lots of interactive activities.
When baby is born the midwife also spends time with you to check the baby for latch issues and to make sure your early breastfeeding is working. There are breastfeeding hang-outs for moms to come and just chat and hang out with their babies, often led by a doula who leads discussion on helpful baby care topics.
The midwife who delivered Arthur immediately noticed Arthur’s tongue and lip ties, and that early awareness allowed us to take him to a pediatric dentist just two days after birth to have revised. The pain was so bad, I can’t imagine what would have happened without that early intervention.
By the time I had my second child, they had multiple lactation consultants on staff who answered questions via email, could observe you breastfeeding, and provided frequent breastfeeding classes. Finding a practice that goes above and beyond to provide moms with breastfeeding education, support, and community was one of the best things I did.
Education
I’m a big planner and researcher so arming myself with educational resources was so helpful when approaching a topic I knew so little about. There’s this misconception that breastfeeding is instinctual for mothers, but there’s a lot to making sure your baby has a good latch and is transferring milk properly. Very few people don’t need help.
If you don’t have access to a provider with comprehensive breastfeeding support services, you can absolutely piecemeal it together yourself. La Leche League is a wonderful, free resource available across the country that provides breastfeeding resources and educational meetups led by lactation consultants.
On your own you can watch YouTube videos of learning how to latch your baby. Purchase a breastfeeding book such as The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding to use as a resource when needed. Join a local Facebook moms group about breastfeeding. Follow lactation consultants and resources on Instagram. Check out maternity stores in your area to see if they offer breastfeeding classes and breastfeeding meetups. There’s a lot out there, you just have to start searching for it.
Adjusting your mindset
I’m a big believer in visualization and reprograming your thinking. There’s a lot of fear and negativity surrounding pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing that has affected us all. For both of my unmedicated births at midwife-attended birthing center, I used a technique called Hypnobirthing that gives you tools to unlearn your fear and anxiety about birth. I think that gave me a sense of determination with my breastfeeding too, despite our intense difficulties.
I strongly believe that surrounding yourself with literature, prenatal support, and a community that encourages you is so critical to helping get through the mental and emotional toil that motherhood can take on your confidence.
Emotional safety net
In those early days, weeks, and months, you need so much encouragement. After the difficult postpartum experience with Arthur, one of the most important things I did to prepare for Ulysses’ birth and postpartum experience was to seek out and begin care with a therapist who specializes in perinatal care.
She helped me work through the trauma of my first postpartum experience, prepare for the change having a second child would bring, and served as my insurance policy against another possible downward spiral if our postpartum experience was difficult. I still see her today and it’s wonderful having that outside perspective to keep me grounded and from being too hard on myself.
Supported by family, doctors, and community
Both in words and in actions, breastfeeding mothers need a lot of support, especially at the beginning. Both at home and in your larger life, you want to surround yourself with understanding, compassion, and safety for those often difficult time. This list is by no means comprehensive, but these were critical for me.
Your partner
As you’re preparing for baby, this is the time to start discussing with your partner what you’ll need to have the time and energy to breastfeed. It’s so tiring in the beginning! My husband would get up for diaper changes and to rock and shush when the baby wouldn’t sleep and I needed a break. He would refill my water endlessly. He would bring me snacks. He would cook and do all the cleaning, especially those first few weeks. He is a wonderful man and a wonderful father, and I was so touched by how he went above and beyond for us.
He knew what to do because our prenatal and breastfeeding educators, midwives, and doula gave him a clear objective—keep mama fed, hydrated, and off her feet so she can heal, rest, and breastfeed. We heard it over and over again, and so by the time the baby came, I got the critical support I needed to take care of myself and baby.
Your pediatrician
Make sure your pediatrician supports breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding. You’d be surprised at the number of pediatricians who might start pushing supplementation at the first signs of difficulty or start nudging you to wean at 9-12 months. Ours understood that I wanted to breastfeed more than anything, and she never rushed us or acted strange about breastfeeding before, during, or after our appointments.
Your community
If you don’t have one now, start building community to support your breastfeeding journey. Having friends and peers that you can ask questions of is invaluable. I had my breastfeeding meetups at the birthing center and even a breastfeeding-specific Facebook group I used to ask questions, commiserate, and even make friends.
As I mentioned earlier, La Leche League brings moms in all walks of breastfeeding to come together to ask questions, have a consultant help them with problems, and even just hang with other moms. Put yourself out there to find mamas to walk this journey with you, and you won’t believe how much stronger you’ll feel when you know you aren’t alone.
Privileged with resources
Despite all the ways that you can educate, prepare, and support yourself, the resources you have access to can make all the difference. But it’s possible to avoid the high costs and difficulties with some planning and creativity.
Early postpartum and lactation consultant assistance
Many problems that arise in breastfeeding come from issues that could be solved with more time and more one-on-one lactation help. This is available with standard postnatal care for mothers in the majority of developed nations but not ours.
In the United States, many mothers have to end their often unpaid maternity leave after just 6-12 weeks postpartum, when many of them are still struggling with their own healing, just starting to get baby on some semblance of a schedule, and still often struggling with unresolved breastfeeding issues. Then many struggle desperately with the emotional trauma of that early separation from baby and then the logistical difficulties of having the time and privacy to pump and being able to maintain their production. Then if there are additional issues, we have to pay for specialists and additional help that is rarely covered by insurance. That reality was my own, and we made a lot of financial sacrifices to make it happen.
At six weeks postpartum, Arthur was still struggling with weight gain. I was devastated and felt like I had been failing him. So in one last-ditch effort, I called a lactation consultant who was recommended to me. For a significant fee, she came to my home. She stayed for a few hours, for multiple breastfeeding sessions. She helped me with positions, showed me ways to keep “teaching” Arthur how to improve his latch, and even how to swaddle him so her could self soothe.
She also noticed that his tongue tie had grown back. So we went back to the pediatric dentist to get it cut again. In addition to the therapy we had to do for his healing, I mentioned how we took him to speech therapy, a chiropractor, a craniosacral therapist, a midwife/craniosacral therapist who taught me how to do baby massage, and of course his pediatrician. By about 8 weeks postpartum, he was back on track for a healthy weight. But I would guess that for about 4-6 weeks, I spent approximately $500-600 on all these appointments.
And instead of having the lactation consultant come to my home, I could have seen her at a Leche League meeting and gotten help there. And I might not have made all the appointments if resources were more limited. The speech therapy and the baby massage did wonders, and I did notice the chiropractic care helped a lot in a couple specific instances.
But for a mother who has to work full time, who doesn’t have the extra resources for all these extra things to make breastfeeding work when it’s so difficult, it’s understandable how it could all feel like too much. I hope that our healthcare system continues to increase the value it places on the life-saving abilities of a mother able to successfully nurse her child.
Workplace conditions
I returned to work after Arthur at about 10 weeks postpartum. I was able to negotiate a part-time schedule, and I worked remotely from home, so I had the comforts of home to eat home-made meals and snacks and pump and store my milk in privacy. We were also able to afford a nanny to come to our home, so when I had plugged ducts or he was sick or other issues arose I was able to nurse as needed.
This is not the case for most working mothers, but I have been so pleased to hear of more and more creative arrangements between working moms and their employers for remote work, flexible schedules, and more accommodations for pumping and privacy. It’s incredibly hard to go back to work and leave your new baby, and the hassles around pumping can make it so much harder. Be bold and ask for exactly what you want from your employer–you never know, they might give you exactly what you need.
Additional comfort measures
I was able to buy a set of special pump flanges called Pumpin’ Pals, a second style of breastfeeding pillow, ice packs for my sore breasts, lots of Soothie gel packs, different sizes of nipple shields, different types of nipple cream…the list goes on an on. There are tons of comfort measures that are available and that come at a cost. But if you register for them or find home-made options you can save a lot of money.
There are networks of moms who gladly give away their breastfeeding supplies and books, and all kinds of free resources if you know to look for them ahead of time, especially before you are in crisis. I hope that soon more doctors and prenatal care includes these things are part of routine, comprehensive care for mom and baby to truly support the breastfeeding journey.
Looking back with gratitude
Despite my difficult journey, I feel very grateful we were able to breastfeed, and that I came away from my experiences feeling empowered to share my story with others. I’m so grateful to the midwives, lactation consultants, and moms who have encouraged me and strengthened me and taught me so many things along the way. I’m grateful to my partner for doing everything in his power to make me feel loved, cared for, and strong. I’m grateful to my mother, who breastfed all three of her children and impressed upon me how critical it was for both development and that mother-child bond. And I’m grateful to all the other moms before me who have shared their stories and images, showing me the beauty and the freedom of embracing my role as a breastfeeding mother.
